They they want their willies back!
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: Little Dipper AU! Twilight has long prided herself in obeying Celestia's orders without question...but this? "SHE WANTS ME TO DO WHAT! TO WHO?" Don't you need a license to castrate, anyway?
1. Chapter 1

**Tales of the Falls**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.**

...responses...

The Howling Behemoth: Thank you, thank you, there will be drama concerning Spike

RasenganFin: (shrug)It's a good show, you should really give it a shot

...III...

Twilight Sparkle was happy! She was happy in Ponyville, with her friends, learning her friendship lessons!

Speaking of which...

Spike coughs out a letter from Princess Celestia, "Oh! A letter from Princess Celestia! What marvelous adventure or life lesson will she have me and my wonderful friends embark upon today!?"

She eagerly read the letter...then went quite red in the face.

"Oh...that's...new...and...unorthodox." She choose her words carefully, her face going more reder then even Celestia's sun. But she steeled herself.

"Steady yourself Twilight...what you do now, you do for the love of Celesti- EQUESTRIA! I do this for Equestria of course", she awkwardly corrected quickly.

Spike gave the letter a once-over, "Uh, Twilight? This doesn't really sound like something Celestia would have you do...maybe we should double-check with her-

"There's no time Spike! The letter from Celestia clearly states time is off the essence! Besides it's clearly from her! Same hoofwriting, same stationary, same royal seal, more importantly it came from your flame! No one can fake that!"

... **(Mal's whistle)**...

Slenderman whistled a malevolent tune as he dropped perfect copies of Celestia's letter's one after the other in full view of the readers...

...

"Now enough dawdling! We need to gather our friends! We have a portal to enter!" She ran off before Spike could further protest. He sighs..but follows...

...

It was a peaceful day in Gravity Falls, Oregon.

Killer bee's were mating in freshly cleaned out human skulls, lizard people were slowly killing off humans and using their skin as disguises, a inter-dimensional Pyramid monster was ploting to enslave humanity...Yes, just another perfectly normal day in Gravity Falls...

Oh, also Slenderman has switched on the 'reality ensues' function of this universe, but really that shouldn't cause too much of a difre-

 **BAM!**

Dipper cold-cocks Mable!?

WOW, I could not have been more wrong...

"WHAT THE BLOOD MABLE!? I SAVE YOUR UNGRATEFUL BUTT SEVERAL TINES THIS SUMMER, LET WENDY GET INJURED TO SAVE YOUR PRECIOUS PIG AND YOU RIDICULE ME!? FRACK YOU MABLE! FRACK BEING YOUR BROTHER! BE THE ALPHA TWIN TILL THE COWS COME HOME YOUR DEAD TO ME!"

Screamed Dipper as he stormed away from a sobbing Mable and out of the Shack...

Dipper grumbles as he wanders randomly forest, "Stupid Mable... 'Oh, I'm such a GREAT matchmaker...yet I apparently don't have the time to help the brother- who i 'supposedly' love- with his love life. Oh, Dipper forget about the things you LOVE- like supernatural explorations -and do things that I love, or do what NORMAL boys like- WELL MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL! MAYBE I WANT TO BE **ME**! Stupid Mable, who needs her? I can do fine by myself-

 **ZAP!**

Dipper falls to the ground unconscious, "Alright girls! You...you know what needs to be done." Said Twilight Sparkle awkwardly as she and her VERY flustered pony friends as they stepped out of the bushes and gathered around the unconscious human boy.

Twilight coughed awkwardly, "Right...let's...let's get to this...time is of the essence! So we...we need...we need to do this...FOR EQUESTRIA!" She shouted passionately/reluctantly.

"Uh...darling? Do we REALLY need to cast the PERMA-NUDE charm on him? ...Making him permanently naked forever Seems like unnecessary overkill to me." Asked Rarity.

"Not to mention needlessly cruel considering the OTHER thing were going to do to him." Agreed Applejack.

Twilight glared at them, "Look, PRINCESS CELESTIA gave explicit and detailed instructions on what we HAD to do to prevent a cataclysmic event from destroying Equestria and everyone we know and love! Your not questioning Princess Celestia are you?" Asked Twilight pointedly.

The two ponies sighed, "No." They admitted flatly.

Twilight sighs, "Look girls...I'm not thrilled about this either...let's just get this over with, go home, save Equestria, have a nice long Spa day and meal at Sugar cube corner...and NEVER speak of this again."

"AGREED." Said all her friends at once.

Twilight nodded at this and zapped Dipper with the spell, destroying all his clothes...everyone quickly gathers around the now naked human.

"Okay girls, just swallow your pride and- Dang it Rainbow Dash! You spotted the wrong one! Celestia clearly detailed Dipper as a BOY! This is clearly a GIRL!" Snapped Twilight angrily pointing to the human they'd just rendered unconscious and permanently nude.

Rainbow was also baffled, "Oh, yeah. I can see that...but that makes no sense! He's the spitting image of the picture Princess Celestia sent you!" He raises up said picture...and sure enough, the human on the ground WAS the spitting image of the person on said picture.

Twilight frowns at this, "But...but that makes no sense!" She lifts Dipper off the ground with her magic annoyed. "SHE looks like Dipper...but she's clearly a GIRL and- Suddenly Twilight stopped her rant...now that the 'girl' was closer to her...

"Wait, hold on." She gets closer and scrunches her eyes as do her friends...and then their eye's widen in realization.

"OH! He...he is...well, TECHNICALLY a boy." Said Twilight, suddenly feeling VERY sorry for this VERY unfortunate person they had before him.

Rainbow dash broke down laughing, "HA! HA! HA! OH, man! If anything 'Technically a boy' is being far too generous!" She struggled to breath as she laughed.

"Now- (Snort) -Rainbow- (Giggle) -That's- (snicker) -That's not funny!" Said Rarity as she tired VERY hard to be professional.

"Wow, he's REALLY tiny! His testicles are the size of sesame seeds! And his wiener is the size of a pine needle!" Affirms Pinkie pie as she used some rulers she pulled from her mane to get very accurate measurements...

"PINKIE! Will you leave the poor human boy alone! Were already going to ruin his life enough as it is!" Shouts Twilight as she pulls out a magical gelding knife...then thinks for a moment.

"Although to be honest...I'm suddenly feeling a lot less guilty for castrating him now...since...y'know?" She struggled to find the right word's to explain this...

"He's not really losing much of anything?" Offers Applejack awkwardly.

"He'll probably never need them because no girl is that desperate?" Admits Rarity embarrassed.

"His chances of sex will actually go up in the absence of that useless and unattractive 'inch-worm' he had between his legs?" Suggested Rainbow Dash with a smirk.

Twilight sighs, "Yep, pretty much right on all accounts." She conceded.

"GIRLS! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES! SAYING SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT A PERSON!" Shouted Fluttershy angrily.

Applejack frowns, "Sorry...but it is the TRUTH." She admitted reluctantly.

"Yes, but you still shouldn't say it!" Said Fluttershy angrily.

"Look, could we PLEASE just get this over with!? This is awkward enough as it is!" Said Twilight flatly as she got to work chopping off Dipper's manhood.

...

Meanwhile, Mable watched all of this from the bushes in disgust...she'd followed Dipper out here to make up with him...but she hadn't been expecting to find this!

THIS WAS HORRIFYING! PONIES WERE SUPPOSED TO NICE, DANCING ON RAINBOWS AND LETTING CUTE GIRLS PET THEM! ...oh, and the whole castrating Dipper was bad too...in principle...even though they weren't really taking anything VALUABLE.

Mable was filled with determination, this was her chance! She'd take them by surprise, save Dipper, reconcile with him, and everything would go back to norm-

 **"NOPE, NOT doing this."** Before Mable can even blink, Slenderman grabs her and tosses her to the 'FLY of DESPAIR' condemning her to eternal agony as well as kicking her out of the story.

The ponies, oblivious to what had happened behind them thanks to Slenderman's much stronger magic finished their dirty job went about collecting a couple more 'ingredients' and left for Equestria...

Leaving behind a mystically neutered Dipper...

...III…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Publish a chapter of my 'Shake up the Falls' Challenge before anyone else and I'll update the next chapter this plus two other stories!**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. Chapter 2

**ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **AN: I am rewriting this story and continuing it in 'Tales of the falls'(it'll be easier to keep track of)  
**

 **As for the rate of updating; that depends on real life, inspiration, will of my lord and savior Jesus Christ...and bribing me with 'Shake up the falls chapters.**

 **Yes, for every ONE chapter of my 'Tales of the Falls' challenge you make, I'll have THREE stories of YOUR choosing updated.**

 **...as long as they follow the requirement below:**

 **SHAKE UP THE FALLS: CHALLENGE!**

 **Primary Objective:**

 **Tired of fanfictions just copying cannon and not doing anything really different? Well, I am!**

 **So I say we do a 'deconstruction' of Dipper and Mabels 'sibling bond'! Through the following-**

 **(BEGIN FLASH-FORWARD)**

 ** _A forty-something year old Dipper enters his parents house and takes off his fast-food uniform with a sigh as he looks down at his meager paycheck._**

 ** _A forty-something Mabel (wearing a crazy sweater and surrounded by dozens of cats); looks up._**

 **" _Hey Dipping sauce! Guess what!? I made a 50 ft butterfly made of comics...which I then set ablaze! I'm still the goddess of destruction!...also the police are here again to fine us for burning stuff without a permit...also for unintended arson damage to the neighbors house"_**

 **" _Wait, what!?" Shouts Dipper just as a policeman steps out of the shadows and snatches up Dipper's paycheck._**

 **" _Ah, come on man! I worked overtime the whole week at the drive-through to earn that!" Shouts Dipper. But the Officer had already left._**

 ** _Dipper feels a drop of water on his head...the ceiling was leaking..._**

 **" _I also created a new water slide for Waddles!"_**

 ** _CRASH!_**

 ** _The ceiling gives way as a giant hog crashes down and breaks the floor; water soaking everything!_**

 ** _The cats scatter in panic; breaking various household objects as they do so._**

 ** _Mabel laughs at this. "Ah, they're cute when their crazy!" She shouts as she takes a picture of them._**

 ** _Dipper sighs as he goes to check the emergency fund...only to find it empty..._**

 **" _Hey Dipping sauce! Can we have Pizza tonight!? Duck-tective will be on!" Shouts the ever cheerful yet oblivious Mabel._**

 ** _Dipper just hangs his head...and cries..._**

 ** _(FLASH-FORWARD END)_**

 **What I just showed you was a peek into a future after Gravity falls, where Mabel no longer needs to fear growing up...because she doesn't have to! Why would she need to when she has a pushover brother who is willing to sacrifice everything: never getting married, never being independent, never having a life of his own to make her happy?!(in other words: An Enabler/Co-dependent relationship)  
**

 **You can give this vision to whoever you want: Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, Pacifica, Stan, Ford, Soos, etc- You can have it sent to them at any time in the series, or have them sent back in time, or do a Peggy Sue! And have them use this knowledge to shatter cannon!**

 **Also Bill Cipher's threat needs to be taken more seriously!(I'm talking actual full-on Armageddon preparation after his first appearance!) And they need to take Gideon seriously when he sends the creepy letters and hosts his TV show(You don't have to kill him, but the Pines Family have to at least Neutralize him...or make some kind preparation to fight him when he breaks out). EXAMPLE: Mable is forced to take Dipper more seriously and not mess with him to survive or The realization that she and her loved one's might die at the end of the summer make Wendy not so hung up on the whole 'age gap' with Dipper and goes out with him.  
**

 **Also, the hero's need to be proactive! When Gideon starts sending creepy letters and making television broadcasts, they need to take care of him(kill or neutralize; either works). All that matters is that they strike first at the first sign of trouble; And don't just have them wait around and do nothing!  
**

 **NO LEMONS, LIMES, YAOI, YURI OR INCEST PLEASE! I HATE THAT STUFF...  
**

 **Secondary objective: the following episodes can't end as they did in cannon!(especially if your doing a Crossover!) If you want to kill Wendy and have Pacifica be the rebound fine. Or you could have Wendy give Dipper a chance after saving him from ghosts...have them go on a couple dates(this can even happen off-screen if it's easier)...Wendy decides it's not going to work...and then land Pacifica on the rebound(that works too) Just do something different!(conversely, you could also just give Pacifica Tyrone and Dipper could have Wendy...just saying...everyone would be happy...)**

 **"The Inconveniencing".(it annoyed me that no one did anything with Wendy's 'stare at wall and rethink everything' statement, I'd appreciate some help there)  
**

 **Time Travelers Pig(call it semantics if you must, but I would never let a girl get hurt just to save a pig. Mabel's just going to have to suck it up and learn she can't have everything)(I'd recommend using Steven Universes 'The Answer' as a template(or it's Aesop at least)) The ending can't be cannon! Especially if your doing a crossover!(Endings where BOTH Waddles and Wendy are saved are also okay)  
**

 **Fight Fighters(none of this band-aid solution 'hate each other in silence' stuff! I want to see an aftermath! Have Wendy find out the truth and be mad at both of them if you have to! Just do something different!**

 **Little Dipper(I would prefer you just skip this episode entirely to be honest) (Or better yet, use Steven Universes 'Too short to Ride' episode as a template)(But if you do, do this episode...skip the 'twins idiotically Argue over the crystal instead of saving themselves and their home from Gideon' Scene. Have Dipper punch out Mabel and use the crystal. Or have Mabel punch out Dipper to use the crystal! Just do something different! Especially if it's Crossover! In that case have someone else punch them and use the crystal!)Considering what Dipper just sacrificed for Mable in Time travelers pig...I've always felt that Mable was more then a bit ungrateful and mean in this episode...  
**

 **Boyz Crazy(I actually have no problem with the ending here believe it or not, but I was annoyed that it was rendered somewhat meaningless since there was no aftermath(between Dipper and Wendy anyway). So...you know...go do your thing. I would recommend using Steven universes 'week of Sardonyx' Arc as a template)**

 **Into the Bunker((take a deep breath)look, you can handle the shipping however you want. But you have to have Mabel equally punished for the trouble(it is her fault they were locked in there in the first place after all). (Preferably where Wendy and Dipper are mad at Mabel and refuse to forgive her.)(their also needs to be an aftermath, Dipper having an honest, real conversation with Wendy about how he still has feelings for her and where they go from here. I'd recommend using Steven Universe episodes 'Mr Greg' or 'we need to talk' as templates)(also please just skip 'Roadside attraction' entirely, please)(if your doing a crossover, and bring someone else down there with them, you have to have them stop Mabel from locking Dipper up!  
**

 **Northwest mansion Noir:(Groan) so much wasted potential. Pacifica's parents just forgive her? Nothing comes from the shipping? Pacifica was nearly killed by Wendy's ancestor, and nothing comes from that?)(P.S. I'm aware that a lot of people have actually fixed that in their fics(for which I'm grateful), I just feel that it needs to be said)**

 **Mabel and Dipper v.s. the future(you do what you want with this...just don't make things so ridiculously one-sided and place all the blame on Dipper as it did in cannon(also, Dipper has to find out about Mabel's deal with Bill))**

 **Tertiary objective:**

 **Dipper V.S. Manliness: I always thought it weird that their was no girl(be it Wendy, pacifica, Tambry, or candy, etc) during his 'man trials'. Whether to beat him at being a 'man', laugh at his loincloth(or if he loses said loincloth, make him embarrassed), be inadvertently a crucial part of his 'trial', or just along for the ride...I just think it's a story possibility that should be explored is all... I also feel that Stan's hypocrisy for badmouthing ABBA while he himself watches 'The Duchess Approves' should be explored...as well as Dipper getting mad at Mable ridiculing him after everything he's done for her,  
**

 **Carpet Diem: It always bugged me that nobody cared about Dippers leg getting chewed off by a wolf, A woodpecker biting out his tongue, or his personal belongings getting vandalized...Don't just slap a band-aid solution 'Status-Quo' approved ending on it...make Dipper mad at Mabel for putting him through all that! Have it be a long messy fight! If you make them reconcile...they BOTH have to earn it!(especially Mable)  
**

 **Summerween: Why is it so horrible for Dipper to want to celebrate Halloween his own way? True, he shouldn't of lied, but slanting the episode to put him completely in the wrong for wanting to have fun his own way...was completely unnecessary! Pleas make this episode more balanced**

 **Dreamscape: For the most part I have no complaints about the episode, but it needs to be at least addressed that Stan only 'toughens' up Dipper while letting Mable do whatever she wants. Also, could someone PLEASE tackle Gideon when he's gloating about the Deed in front of the Pines?**

 **Soos and the real girl(I don't get why Melody should have to leave, I'd rather prefer she stayed and have a sub-plot going with Soos)**

 **Blendin's Game(I mostly had no problem with this...but it always bugged me that no one did anything with the 'young Wendy thinks Dipper is cute' storyline...some assistance here would be most appreciated)(I'd also like to see Wendy's reaction to that)  
**

 **Tale of two Stans:(I'm with my fellow fanficton writers. Their should have at least been a small rift popping up between Mabel and Dipper after Mabel trusted Stan over Dipper(Especially considering she prevented Ford from killing Bill!))**

 **Stanchurian Candidate: I feel it was rather selfish for Stan to put his pride over the safety of his family, when they reveal the mind-control to him and he gets mad, lay it on home how he's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about his family!**

 **The last MabelCorn:** **I feel it was rather selfish for Mable to put her needs over the safety of her family, you can keep the 'Unicorns are selfish jerks' revelation if you want, but also lay it on home how she's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about her family!**

 **Roadside Attraction:(Recommended by Emma Iveli) If you MUST do this episode, Mable has to give Dipper more advice then just 'move on'(seriously, it's a bit weird she didn't help him more with this considering how much she loves matchmaking and knows better then anyone else how socially awkward Dipper is) And she and Grunkle Stan need to get into a big argument over who's advice is more valid. (pointing out the hypocrisy of Mable badmouthing flirting with multiple people, when she dose the same would be funny)  
**

 **Weirdmagedon: (can't think of anything...save for wanting to see a fic. where Ford's Bill-Killing Gun actually works...and Maybe some more character development/bonding between Dipper Wendy...and possibly Pacifica)(Oh, having Wendy comfort Dipper over his 'You can't make someone fall in love, you can only be worthy of love' speech would be nice too)  
**

 **Escape from Reality: JUST BURST THE BUBBLE! Especially if it's a crossover! A 22 minute story wrapped up in 5 minutes! Mabel can just deal with it!(it would also be nice if Wendy, Pacifica, or SOMEONE comforted Dipper about not getting any Valentines, also it be nice if someone reminded Wendy and Soos that their friends and family are suffering and they need to rescue them before they go gallivanting in the bubble).  
**

 **Take Back the Falls: If your doing a crossover, you HAVE to have someone from the Crossover-verse SUCCESSFULLY stop Stan from breaking the circle. By threatening him with death or dismemberment if necessary!**

 **EX: Ford: "Him and I...Grammar Stanley"**

 **Stan is about to beat him...when he feels cold steel pressed against his back**

 **Undyne: "YOU %$ #% one foot from where you are, I'll #% &$%$ kill you!"**

 **Stan gulps nervously...but stays in his place...and the cipher is complete...**

 **NOTE: to all Wendip and Dipifica fans alike...have you considered just making a water proof Tyrone and giving him to Pacifica while Dipper has Wendy? You could literally have your cake and eat it too!**

 **ANOTHER note: crossovers with gravity Falls in this challenge are accepted and encouraged! Let your imagination run wild!(But ONLY as long as you don't have the people from said crossover-verse sitting around useless and not letting them change the plot(let the above 'stop Stan from ruining the circle' be your template for ANY other moments in Gravity falls Cannon)**

 **And one more thing...I'm well aware that this might not be some people's cup of tea...so if you want to adopt ANY of my stories...or give them to a friend/acquaintance. That's fine.**

 **This dose NOT mean I'm discontinuing my stories, I'm just trying to give you more options. I will also allow multiple adoptions, so more then one person can enjoy this!**

 **Well, that's more or less it, good hunting YAH'll!**

 **...**

 **ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! the publisher is Xlibris** ** **, also available at Inkitt, Amazon and BarnesandNoble.****


End file.
